Boobs. We all agree we love them. Big ones, small ones, in betweeners. So why is it we spend all our time restricting access to them?
I’ll tell you why. It’s a big, fat conspiracy.
An evil conspiracy against nipples and human breast milk by Monsanto. Yes, in fact the more I think about it the more I’m sure that Monsanto, the banking cartel, the Illuminati and the reptilians have conspired to cover up female bosomtalia in an attempt to take over the world using underwire, clothing brands, smut mags, and powdered milk formula. We can even call it ‘The War On Boobs’ because that’s what it is.
Reptilians are not only known for being a) aliens, b) related to the Queen of England and c) great at karaoke, they are also known for being painfully jealous of warm blooded breasts and will stop at nothing to keep you away from the bountiful beauty and nourishment they provide.
And what about the big bankers? Surely they are in on it too… Let’s be honest, when you are looking at boobs you are not spending money or getting into debt (unless you are drunk and visiting a strip club in Miami.) And just think how an evil empire of bankers and giant humanoid reptiles can infect a baby’s mind and body with milk not sucked directly from its mother’s teet?
Sorry human baby, it’s the toxic, fake, plastic nipple for you. Boobs are dangerous.
Did anyone check the milk powder for cocaine? ketamine? roofies?
And what exactly is cupric sulfate? An ingredient found in most infant formula.
Oh, it’s a pesticide, used for cleaning fish tanks. But don’t worry, it’s only mildly poisonous. As long as you don’t ingest it you should be all right.
It is even looked down upon when a woman in the West gets a milky tit out to feed a crying babe in her arms, people will tut and turn their noses up in disgust. And all the while people are getting more and more stressed and sickly. Skin rashes. Allergies. More and more wars. Terrorism. Cancer. Global warming… And why is that d’ya think?
The oppression of boobs of course.
I call it the breast/doom ratio. The more we cover breasts up, the more doomed we are.
In Eden, Eve covered them up and shortly after became damned to suffer for all eternity. A symbolic story of real events? Perhaps. The world used to be filled with naked breasts bouncing all over the jungles and forests, they kept us going when times got rough. They saw us through the ice age and into the mammalian era of supremacy. But then, one sunny afternoon, a single idiot thought it might be a good idea to demand that all the boobs be covered up. Breasts just made the whole place look untidy. Soon after that fateful moment man created his first weapons meant for use on other men. Kingdoms rose up from the ashes. I saw it all from my time capsule’s window. Now boobs are sad, and filled with lumps and bumps, held tightly within cages of wire and lace instead of basking in the eternal sunlight of freedom.
One scientist discovered that staring at boobs once a day for fifteen minutes increased his immune system and sense of overall well being. And what is even more fabulous is that the guy actually managed to get a grant from someone to study those lovely lady lumps. I can hear the pitch now: ‘Yeah, you know, I wanna stare at tits everyday for fifteen minutes and see if I feel any benefits’. 😉 Who wouldn’t want to fund that research and sit in on those sessions?
To prove how deep the conspiracy runs I will share with you my own story of breast oppression. I was sunning myself in Miami, enjoying the breeze, when someone actually complained to a beach attendant that me and my well endowed girl friend were topless. They thought it might upset the children.
The incredibly healthy looking uniformed officer came up to us a tad embarrassed, with a crooked grin on his face, and informed us we could get a ticket for showing our jubblies in public, on the beach. (Did that guy have the breast job in the world or what? Scanning the beach for topless women. I bet they have no trouble filling that position 😉 ) And what’s more, I can clearly remember dozens of topless men and more then one completely naked raccoon being able to walk freely and without restraint or threat of legal action.
If I saw a man with big saggy man boobs could I request he receive a visit from the moob police?
Sir, your uncommonly large man breasts are putting me off my picnic.
We are teetering on the brink of annihilation, we have lost touch with the natural realm, and it’s all down to the oppression of puppy power.
If that isn’t one of the biggest cover-ups in history I don’t know what is.