Feng shui is a bitch

kristalblueflower

Last night I stared at all the dirty saucepans and casserole dishes piling up in my cockroach infested sink and thought to myself, That chicken breast and burnt cheese will be much easier to clean after a night of drinking red wine all by myself. I’ll just leave them on the side to go crusty. Just as I was popping the cork on a nice Cabernet, Fatima the feng shui fairy appeared hovering above my left shoulder. She was screwing up her cute button nose at me and farting glitter, I hate it when fairies do that. It makes me want to rip their tiny little wings off and shove them up their perky behinds. Especially when I’m still sober enough to give a damn. (Since coming to your world I have developed quite a dependency on your spirit juice.)

‘Clean them now, our you’ll regret it,’ she whispered in my ear, covering my shoulder with farty sparkles. ‘Think about the feng shui. Or you’ll be sorry.’

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Who was she to appear in MY home and start giving ME orders?

‘Fuck feng shui. And fuck you fairy,’ I said, ‘I have a Person of Interest marathon to get back to on my couch, over there in the front room, away from this huge pile of dirty dishes. If you care that much, you do them.’

‘If you make the mess, you have to address, or you’ll be in distress,’ Fatima added annoyingly.

‘Right, that’s it!’ I yelled.

I caught that pesky feng shui fairy in the dirtiest jam jar I could find, to put her outside by the dustbins for my neighbour’s cat. That will teach her to meddle with another woman’s washing-up.

‘You’ll be sorry’ I heard her say as I screwed on the lid.

“I’m not the one trapped in a jam jar,” I said defiantly.

I blew a raspberry at her and returned to the comfort and splendor of my couch.

I had to know who’s number was up.

As I watched my fourth episode I poured my fourth glass of wine, coincidentally it was 4am. I took this as a good omen.

I can stay up all night and sleep in late tomorrow, I thought. So I stayed up until sunrise watching John and Harold, until my eyelids began to droop and droop and zzzzzzzz, I drifted off like a drunken, snoring baby, hoping to dream of sexy aubergines and other naked vegetables.

Bliss.

Perfect bliss.

And then it started.

No sooner had I allowed myself to slumber…

DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA

DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA

What the fuck?

WHIIIRRRRRR…. DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA…. WORWORWORWOR… ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA

Why is my front room shaking?

DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA

DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA

BUF BUF BUF BUF BUF BUF BUF BUF BUF

Am I under attack? Is THIS 9/11 all over again?

Through my drunken blear I glanced at the clock: 8:22 AM. ????

BUF BUF BUF BUF BUF BUF BUF BUF BUF

BUF BUF BUF BUF BUF BUF BUF BUF BUF

BUF BUF BUF BUF BUF BUF BUF BUF BUF

My entire home trembled, the floors, the walls, the windows. Nothing was untouched by the devastation. Someone was beginning renovations below me.

Didn’t my neighbours know I’d been up all night getting pissed? How bloody selfish of them. Not even selfish, it was downright evil. To go to sleep at a normal hour and wake up and just expect everyone else to be on your bloody schedule!

DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-WZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Who would use a drill before breakfast? Only an evil demon surely.

And evil demons need to be vanquished.

VANQUISHED!!!!!!

blog-drill

BUF BUF BUF BUF BUF BUF BUF BUF — a battering ram tormented my plaster.

Who buys a flat and thinks, hmmm too many walls holding up this ceiling?

As all chances of sleep were evaporating, so was my sanity. Every sound grated at me nerve, bone and flesh. My couch shook and my teeth clenched.

My gold fish trembled.

My skin turned green.

DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA WEEEEEEEEEEEEE BUF BUF BUF BUF BUF THUMP BANG SMASH!

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Release the flying monkeys!

The last thing I remember before I blacked-out was my head getting very hot.

DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA.

DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA

DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA

DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA-DER-GA…

AARRRGGGHHHH!

Image

I began speaking in a Darth Vader voice.

I stormed downstairs with a hammer and an axe and confronted the demon drillers calmly.

‘Hello there, I’m your upstairs neighbour, I was wondering if you would be so kind as to cease this racket until a more civlised hour of the day?’ is what I should have said.

‘AARRRGGGHHHH! What the FUCK, FUCKITY FUCK are you fucking assholes doing, it’s 8 a fucking clock in the morning, FUCK! I’m going to kill you, KILL YOU, KILL YOOOUUUUUUUUU!  DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME!’ I screamed.

My neighbours used to think of me as such a nice person.

The last thing I can remember is red, lots of red, and screaming. And as the police turned up to take me away I saw an orb of light hovering just above my left shoulder and heard the tiny sound of bells ringing, as if with laughter, as glitter covered my face.

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About kristal111peierls

Alien, explorer, blogger.
This entry was posted in comedy hyperbole and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Feng shui is a bitch

  1. regal69 says:

    hahahahahahahaha

  2. Pingback: Just like magic… | Wasted times.

  3. Amazing!!!!! The best blog EVER!!!!!! I’ve never read anything like it…..

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