I just found this family photo of my ship leaving Venus on the first mission to Earth. For kunts and kunts (Venusian years) we avoided your planet like the plague… absolutely terrified of your vegetarians and vegans.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> A terrifying vegan >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
What sort of barbarian only eats things that cannot defend themselves? we thought as we spied on you through our hyperscopes. Vegetables, such poor, innocent, defenseless creatures, with no arms to swipe you, no teeth to bite you. Horrific, just horrific. It’s not that we don’t find vegetables appealing, we do, their aroma is divine. O knows they are sexy. And yes, we even dabbled with genetic engineering, giving our vegetables and fruits eyes, teeth, legs and arms. To give them a fighting chance.
It looked to be going well at first..
OK… Nice. But we needed more eyes.
Kinda cute. But if you can run, I’ll still eat you.
But then, one stormy night, a field of seedlings were hit by a plasma storm. The gamma ray lightning played havoc and mutated everything. Little did we know what would be unleashed:
That’s my mother he is eating.
Through my pain and grief I still somehow managed to snap a really great photograph for the family album.
This horrible mistake culminated in 701,309, the bloodiest of all Venusian kunts, known only as ‘The Great Vegetable Massacre of 309’.
It was the best of times and the worst of times. There was sauce, seed and skin everywhere, which tasted great, but the genetically mutated soup seeped into the gas swamps and lava fields. It took a lot of kunts to clean that mess up. It almost destroyed our entire eco system. We decided to just leave nature alone after that.
So, good luck with your attempts, you’re gonna need it. I suggest you make suitable defensive arrangements now. It only takes a freak accident and BLAM! Psycho vegetables from hell. You have no idea just how violent they can become. Even more terrifying then vegans.
On a nicer note, I got married last week, this is Donald, my husband. The man with the extremely manly marrow. I play the cello to it most nights, makes it grow nice and big. I stroke it too, Donald likes it when I do that.
He has some other over-sized vegetables so I really think we are going to get along fine.
I’ve invited him to my place on Venus too, as part of the exchange program. He is looking for someone to house sit his marrow, if you have time to spare, please apply below.
And if you are single and still looking for the blue or green girl of your dreams, look no further. You may have heard that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. My home planet is basically awash with tits but no testosterone whatsoever. This led to some serious light bulb changing issues and rampant bi-curious behaviour.
When we got over our initial xenophobia we realised that Earth was just so much closer and easier to get to then Mars, so we come here now, looking for mates. If you are single, and you like plasma storms and noxious gases, please look us up. It really is beautiful on Venus once you get used to it.
When you arrive it looks like this:
After breathing in the gases for a while it looks like this:
So, bye bye my cherry blossoms and hurry back for a visit soon… and beware of GM food. It may turn around and bite you on the bottom, and not in the fun, sexy way.