The many political systems found strewn across the great galactic marbles fascinate us Nusians. As numerous as ear wax removal techniques and as varied as atmospheres. On Earth your system seems to be some sort of sporting event as on Venus, yet the rules are a tad different. Correct a blue bitch for being wrong but from my limited understanding: the one who can lie the most convincingly for the longest amount of time, with the best smile and haircut wins.
It is entertaining, I’ll grant you that, and I can see some possible future angles for money making, such as pay per view political wrestling matches where the men all wear spandex or tiny thongs covered with aubergines.
We find it peculiar that the only Wo-Men in politics on Earth have to look or act like either Men or worse – vegans. Margaret Thatcher for instance, a face that could possibly turn you to stone. But in her defence, her ugliness single handedly defeated an entire alien fleet without even knowing it.
She would have made a good contestant for Jalitra.
To elect Jalitra, our leader, once every six kunts we hold something called the Opinion Lympics. It’s more mentally seductive then an episode of your Big Brother – which, may I add, is fantabulous. (Go Gina Go!)
Competitors give their opinions on anything and everything: the price of helium; religion; global domination; who will win Big Brother; how to deal with lava in your eye: the shape of your neighbour’s genitals… you know, the usual stuff. No one is allowed to tell a lie or they are disqualified. Simple rules. All the judges are telepathic so they can spot a lie within an eye instantly. Whoever’s opinion shouts the longest and the loudest wins. Once the winner has been handed the Sacred Whisk of Power and the Iron Mitt, whomsoever spends time in the company of Jalitra must from time to time pat them on the back for being so right so loudly so often.
Last year Worti Thronglarse won and is currently doing a splendid job of ruling us all. Her opinions are powerfully charged, so pushy and overwhelming, they really put us all in our place, as does the regular spanking. Worti, with her infinite wisdom, realised that the Iron Mitt and Sacred Whisk were also perfect implements for spanking, so she created mobile punishment units equipped with whisks and mitts of all shapes and sizes.
These regular spankings and nicely carpeted acid proof vans got rid of most heinous crime over night. Everyone was enjoying themselves so much they forgot all about hellish intentions. As our moods lifted behaviour improved, no crimes were being committed, there were no longer reasons for receiving spankings, leading to less spankings and more crime once again. We found ourselves hamsters running around in circles. We loved spankings but we didn’t want to commit offenses. It was a massive social crisis. That was until the mighty force of Worti’s O’Lympic winning opinion came into play. She stated with a clarity and determination we Nusians were yet to witness, that she thought spanking the Jalitra and any of her sexily uniformed officers — good and proper — should become the new crime du jour.
Who could disagree with such logic? Delivered with such finesse. Such passion.
I’m hoping we can keep the balance.
Bye bye my little bumble bees xxx Be beautiful, be happy, be humble, be free ❤
And spank you, spank you very much.